Hi. I am 21, and i'm on my own.

By on my own, i mean, really on my own.

I am thankful that at least my parents sponsored me my college hostel fees and all sorts of other fees. And thankful that i got scholarship for my college, saving at least RM 13,000 of school fees.

During my younger days, i don't get a lot of allowance, i don't have a car when i had my license. Some lucky bastards have a car even before they graduate from high school.

I love reading, yet my parents never gave me money to buy books. The only few books that he bought me is Harry Potter i think, during my birthday last year.

And now, it's fucked up.

My car broke down last night. When i was driving, i noticed that the clock wasn't as bright as it was supposed to be, meaning the battery is running low. I thought it was because of the traffic jam, because my car has this stupid problem that when i drive slow, the battery won't charge efficiently.

So i sped. But still it wasn't working.

Went to fetch my friends and went gaming, and when i was going home, i couldn't even turn on my radio anymore. So i drove with air-con off, radio-off, windows winded down and in the end i had to drive with lights off, because the battery was running so low, the clock did not even show anymore.

When i was passing a traffic light, there was this police car. The policemen were all looking at me, probably thinking if they should stop me to question why my car lights weren't on.

And when i was a 5-minute away from home, there was a roadblock. I was like, fuck it......! The police stopped me, and i quickly explained that my car had some problem and i couldn't turn on the lights anymore. When i stopped the car at the roadside, i could feel that my battery was running so fucking low that it could die anytime then.

Lucky enough the police let me pass. I sped and hoped to reach home before my car really broke down. And when i stopped right in front of my house, just at that very moment, my car died.

Gosh you have no idea how lucky i felt for that i could still reach my house even though the car died just in time. I couldn't even wind down my windows. That's how fucked up it was.


Today i went to the mechanic shop and after the boss calculated and checked my car, he told me that if i were to repair it, it would cost RM 400.

I have money. I earn enough to survive, to live a good life, but i don't earn enough to have spare money for any sort of emergencies. And i certainly have not managed to save.

I called my dad. Couldn't get through. I called my mum. Asked for help, asked for sponsor. My mum said no. I texted my dad. Dad called back after one hour. Explained the situation, and he said no.

You have no idea how helpless i felt that time when he said no.

Anyway, feeling really upset, i still have to find ways to get money. Called up my ex, to remind him to chase a payment for me. I did this design job on 2nd January 2008, and it's less than 10 hours away from 2009, and that fucking design company still hasn't paid me. A mere RM 300 and they wouldn't pay.

Fuck it.

I called my ex few days ago remind him, and he said, eh you don't have bonus meh?

Damn. People just don't understand do they? Whether i get bonus or not, whether i earn RM 30,000 or not, whether i drive a BMW or not, it doesn't matter to you. I did my job, you pay the money. As simple as that. One year and a registered design firm cannot even fork out RM 300 for me? You've got to be kidding me.

After that i tried to get my claims back from my company, but failed, because the job is not over and the client hasn't paid yet. But nevermind, this is the policy, i respect it, and i know that our company won't drag my RM 394 claim for a year, like this stupid design firm.

After that i sat feeling really down, and i received a text from my dad: "ok i will sponsor you RM 200."

And i felt so much better. That at least someone helped.


And now i am chatting with this friend from college. She asked me why i didn't further my study. I said i have no money. She said, "It is just a matter whether you are willing to pay an amount of money or not." She said "you get good results, you are good and confident, why don't go study?"

People just don't get it. My dad won't even pay RM 400 for my car repair, yet fork out RM 30,000 for me to further my study?

It doesn't matter if i am the top student. It doesn't matter if i am a good girl. It doesn't matter that i can study well. My life is just not a bed of roses.

Dad said i need to learn how to save money. I said, yes i know, i just never had the chance yet.

I already planned it out few days ago. I planned to quit smoking, save at least RM 200 per month and get a lap top or a camera or fix my fucking car. And now it's too late!!!!!!

Gosh.

Just want to cry again.


Anyway, from today's Our Daily Bread:

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. —Ecclesiastes 3:1

Just as the winter turns to spring,
Our lives have changing seasons too;
So when a gloomy forecast comes,
Remember—God has plans for you. —Sper

What a co-incidence.

Anyway, thank you god that i am still alive.